The Gift of New Life

By
Ashley M. Jenkins

Disclaimer:  I don't own the characters from Xena Warrior Princess, so don't sue me!  They belong to the creators of the show and the company that owns them now!

Author's Note:  What if Xena met Gabrielle before she met Hercules?  How would their friendship have worked out?  I would like to note that I aged Gabrielle to about the age she was in Sins of the Past because if I had kept her age accurate in this, she would have still been a child.  Enjoy!

Chapter One

"Yah!" the fatigued warrior cried out as her old horse galloped swiftly through the dried up river bed.  She knew of one spring nearby that never dried up, and she knew she was close.  Her senses were still impeccable, but due to the recent emotional tragedy that she had been through, she was feeling a bit disoriented.  She had a bit of a fever, she was parched, and very hungry.

The sun was beating down on her like a thousand arrows of fire.  She needed shade, water, and a good place to rest.  She was in hiding, but she knew she couldn't stay that way forever.

The old horse she was riding gave a heavy breath before it stumbled, throwing her off.  Xena quickly pulled her knees up and tumbled carefully into the dry grass.  The horse fell and gave one last heaving breath before it died from exhaustion.  Xena groaned as she sprawled out in the soft grass, throwing her arms out and resting as the sun ducked behind a cloud.  She suddenly became aware of the life she was carrying with her.  Fear and worry emerged into her head, and she sat up.  She untied the sling from around her neck, and it lightly fell into her lap with her newborn son inside.

"Solan," she whispered, having named him the night before; the night he was born.  She hadn't planned on naming him, but when she looked at him, she knew that he couldn't be left without a name.  He was the son of Borias, after all.  She was his mother; therefore it was her right to give him a name.  She didn't know how to care for a baby.  All she knew was that she had to get away from her army and from the woman who had betrayed her.

Thinking back to the night before, Xena realized that she had quickly caught on to Satrina as soon as they fled the campsite where Borias had fallen dead by Dagnine's hand.  Satrina had become very watchful over the child, and wouldn't give him to Xena except to feed him.  The woman didn't seem motherly at all, and even Xena, who didn't feel that she had one maternal instinct in her body, knew that Satrina didn't have good intentions.  Xena had been very groggy after the birth and after having seen Borias whisper his last words and die with a sword in his back.  She kept asking about Borias, and if there was any way at all that they could go back for him.  She wanted to honor him somehow.  But, Satrina would dismiss Xena's questions, telling her to rest and heal.  All through the night, she would skirt around the topic of Borias and Dagnine.  The warrior had quickly picked up on Satrina's tension and confronted her.  The slave had played innocent at first, denying that she had anything to do with the fact that Dagnine had killed Borias, but when Xena held a sword to her throat, she had given in and admitted her guilt.  Xena killed the girl anyway and left her body where it fell.  She had wanted to go back and give Borias a proper burial, so she stole a horse and rode off with her child in her arms.  When she arrived back at her previous campsite, the centaurs had already made off with Borias' body and had built a funeral pyre to honor him.  Xena could remember standing at a distance with her son pressed against her bosom, watching Borias's body burn as his spirit left the mortal world. 

Now that she was all alone, Xena didn't know what to do with her son, but she knew she had to protect him.  There were a lot of people who were going to hear about the son of Xena and Borias, because Dagnine had caught a glimpse of her holding the baby before Satrina drove the horse cart away.  Xena passed out in that cart soon after, but she did remember hearing Dagnine yell something to the men about the child.  Now, not only was the vulnerable warrior woman in danger, her newborn son was as well.

"What am I going to do with you?" Xena asked as she looked at the little red-faced bundle in her arms.  "Until I figure out what to do, we have to lay low.  My army is probably looking for me.  They probably want to kill me, or get to you.  They're nothing but scum sucking bastards.  I'm sure Dagnine will want to get to you for ransom or worse.  I wish I had the answers.  I wish I knew . . . what to do with you, but I don't."  She didn't know how to be a mother.  She didn't choose to be in this situation.  What was she going to do with a baby if she was going to try to build another army?  She realized that one solution would be to give the baby to someone who could care for it and not let it grow up around the danger and violence of war.  How was she supposed to raise a child that she had made no notice of during her pregnancy?  She knew she was pregnant, but when the baby would kick inside of her, she would become irritable and not talk to it or rub her stomach.  She hadn't cared about the baby.  She had even told Borias that compared to her dream of an empire, the baby was nothing.

The baby opened his eyes just a bit and Xena looked down at him.  That was the first time she had seen him in the daylight.  He was beautiful.  Although he was an infant, he was almost the spitting image of his father.  His father.  Xena cursed under her breath as she thought of Borias.  Why had he come back?  Why couldn't he have just left her?  He knew she could take care of herself.  But then again, Borias was soft when it came to Xena.  He truly did love her.  He loved her and the child she had carried for nine months.  Now she felt guilty.  She felt sick with guilt as she thought of actually letting Dagnine stay around.  Dagnine had betrayed Xena on several occasions, but he was good at what he did when he wasn't being a traitor.  Xena wished that she had had Dagnine killed years before, but she knew she couldn't change the past now.  That bastard had killed the father of her child, and now she wanted revenge. 

She looked at Solan again.  No.  She couldn't seek revenge now.  It was too dangerous for the baby.  She had never put that kid's needs first, but she knew that she needed to do so now.  She didn't want to be a mother, but she had enough sense to know that she had to think of him first for a little while.  But what did he need?  The only thing she knew how to do was hold him to her breast so he could eat.  She could barely change his diaper.  She had been so frustrated with the one Satrina had given her to change him with and had ripped it to pieces.  Now the baby was naked except for the sling he lay in.  Sure she had changed her little brother's diaper many times, but that had been ages ago, and she was out of practice.  For the first time in her life, she felt incapable of anything.  After all, motherhood was supposed to be the most natural thing in the world.  Xena definitely didn't feel like she was acting natural at all.

She was tempted to get on a boat and travel east to the land of Chin.  Maybe Lao Ma could help her.  But she knew it was too risky.  She hated herself for being so weak.  Before she gave birth, she never would have let her child get in her way.  She would have gone no matter what the risk.  But over the night, she had bonded with that child by just letting him suckle at her breast for nourishment.  She had already felt a connection starting to take root inside of her, and it was the first gentle feeling she had since her mother rocked her to sleep at night as a child.

Xena was a deserter in her own mind.  She was the leader of her army, and she had left it all for one tiny child.  She had had horrible thoughts of killing her baby after its birth while she was pregnant, but now that she had given birth and given life to this tiny person, she hated herself for ever having had those thoughts.  The only reason she had ever thought that was because she wanted nothing to stand in her way of fame, power, and money.  She would have sold her own child for her own benefit.  But that had all changed.

She groaned with disgust in herself.  The baby's eyes closed again, and he snuggled up against the warrior's bosom.  She hated herself for everything.  She even hated herself for being so soft toward this child.  A part of her was telling her to dump him off to somebody else and go back to her army, but the other part of her knew that if she went back, they'd slash her throat.  She didn't want to give her child to just anybody.  She didn't even know if she was going to do such a thing, but she knew that if she did, she would want it to be somebody who would be kind, gentle, and a loving parent.  She didn't want her baby to grow up around that army either.

"By the Gods, why does life have to be so hard?" she asked as she released a breast for her son to nurse on.  His tiny mouth searched for a few moments before finding what it needed.  It began to suckle, and Xena scooted over into the shade, hurting so much from the horrible birth and intense flight from her men on the horse.  At that moment, the baby in her arms let out a soft coo, something she hadn't heard since her younger brother was a baby.  She didn't want to get too attached, but she wanted him to know that someone was there for him.  She was having conflicting thoughts and feelings, and it was eating her alive.  Tears of frustration sprang to her eyes.  She was crying!  She couldn't remember the last time she cried, except for the tears of relief that had come to her after her difficult delivery.  Those weren't real tears though, just beads of relief and victory at succeeding at the one thing that was supposed to be the most difficult for all women.

Her heart began to pound in her chest and her temples.  She was hot and she began to sweat profusely.  She closed her eyes and listened carefully to everything around her.  She knew that she couldn't travel very much further in her wretched condition.  She finally heard the bubbling of a stream not far away.  She figured that she could walk there in five minutes.

"Come on, Solan," she whispered.  She stood slowly and painfully.  Her heart rate had slowed down just a little, but she was still in misery.  She held the baby to her and headed into the shaded woods in search of something to drink.  She knew she couldn't go much longer without food, but then again, she was an excellent hunter.

There was absolutely no wind to offer some comfort to the exhausted warrior.  She was in layers of fur, but she had to keep those to keep warm at night.  She couldn't strip herself of them either, because it was all she had.  She had to find something for her young son to wear so he wouldn't get sick.  The little she knew about babies she could use to her advantage.  One of those things was about keeping babies warm during the cool nights.  She would have to skin a deer later and make him an outfit.  But for now, she just wanted to get to the stream, fill a wineskin with water, and maybe take a bath.

The sound of the water flowing over smooth stones grew closer and closer.  Xena's breaths were coming out very ragged.  She was bone tired and ready to sleep.  She couldn't sleep yet, because she knew she might never wake up if she didn't get any water into her body, and she was dangerously dehydrated.  She coughed and felt her throat burning.  She looked down at the tiny life inside of her arms and she could see that his cheeks were redder than normal.  She felt his forehead.  She did have the gift of being a healer, so she could tell that he had a fever.

"It's okay, Solan.  We're almost there.  It'll be better once we get there."  The baby unlatched himself from Xena's breast and let out a tremendous cry.  Xena nearly panicked.  "Don't cry.  It's okay.  We're almost there."  She held the baby out and away from her body, not sure what to do with him.  He couldn't be hungry.  He couldn't need a new diaper cloth.  He didn't even have one yet.  She realized that he was starting to feel the effects of his fever.  She pulled him close to her body again and she rocked him back and forth, starting to feel like this was very natural to her. 

She was able to sigh a breath of relief a moment later when she stepped into a sunny clearing where the light reflected on a pool of crystal clear water.  Hope filled Xena's spirit and she rid herself of her clothing, realizing that the pool was much larger than she remembered.     

She could take a light dip with the baby to cool the both of them off. She pulled a wineskin out from under her furs and she filled it to the brim with the cool liquid.  Next, she stripped down to nothing and she took her naked son against her chest and stepped into the cold water.  Chills ran through her body, but she soon adjusted as she settled stomach deep into the water.  Her son lay in her arms, covering her breasts.  She didn't want to expose him to the shock of the cold water just yet, so she cupped her hand and dipped it into the water.  She brought the cold water to her lips and drank it down.  It put out the heat that was scorching her throat and her mouth.

"Here, Solan."  She dipped her hand in the water again and brought some up to trickle over his belly.  The baby squirmed, but Xena did it again, this time trickling it over his forehead.  The flush of his face slowly drained as Xena kept him cool.  Soon, the baby's fever was broken, but Xena was still concerned.  He was so fragile and innocent.  He was new to the world, and it could be such a cruel, evil world.  Xena held her son close and he rested his sleepy head on her shoulder.  She sank a little further into the water, letting her baby's feet stay cool under the surface. 

She gave a contented sigh and relaxed a little.  This was the first time she had been relaxed in years.  It was the first time she had been peaceful since Lao Ma treated her legs and tried to help her change her ways.  But those days were gone.  Everything had changed.

The snap of a twig on the ground snapped Xena out of her thoughts.  Her back went rigid, and her son could feel the change in his mother's feelings.  He began to whimper, but she ducked underneath a low tree branch and hid in the shadows of the water.  She was relieved to see that it was just a young woman instead of an army of angry men.  But she still couldn't be too careful.  She came out of hiding and looked at the beautiful young woman dressed in an old tattered blue dress.

"Oh!" the woman called out as she saw Xena with the baby in her arms.  "I'm sorry.  I didn't know anyone was here."  She desperately tried to shield her eyes as to keep herself from seeing anything the warrior probably didn't want her to see.

"Who are you?" Xena asked as she stared into the startled but captivating green eyes of the blonde-haired woman.  The bard locked eyes with the cool-blue eyes of the dark-haired woman before looking away once more.

"I'm Gabrielle," the young woman replied slowly.  "Who are you?"

"Does it matter?"

"My name obviously mattered.  I'm sorry I disturbed you."  Solan began to wail and Xena started to lightly bounce up and down in the water to soothe him.  He didn't stop crying and Xena didn't know what to do.  She tried to look like she knew what she was doing.  She didn't want to look like a complete fool with her own child to a complete stranger.

"Do you need some help?  I'm good with babies."

"I'm fine.  I can take care of my own son."

"Well, you're doing a fantastic job right now."  Xena sensed the sarcasm and she glared at the young woman.  She didn't know what to make of her.

"Why don't you mind your own business before . . ."

"Why do you look familiar?"  The younger woman's green eyes sparkled like emeralds as thought overtook her mind.

"Oh, I dunno.  You've probably seen bounty posters over the last few hours."

"No.  You're a criminal?"

"Well, I guess you could call me that.  But I've done worse than a criminal could ever do."

"Why don't you let me take the baby and . . ."  The suggestion automatically made Xena put up a guard.  She was already in a vulnerable state seeing as she was naked.  What if the bard was working for Xena's men?  What if she was helping them?

"He's mine!  You can't have him."  A snarl appeared on Xena's lips, one that was sure to frighten the girl away.  But the girl, becoming a little more comfortable with the stranger's appearance in the water, stayed put.

"I just meant that I could take him so you could get dressed."  She gave a nervous smile to the woman and held her arms out.  Xena moved back a little.

"No.  We're fine."

"Come on.  Just . . . trust me."

"I don't know you."  Xena never trusted anyone she didn't know.  She had to keep a guard up because she had so many enemies.  How was she supposed to trust a girl with a pretty face and kind words?  She had met many women like that, but this girl seemed a little different.  There was something in her eyes that captivated the warrior.  She didn't know what it was, but it didn't seem like a bad thing.

"You don't trust a lot of people then, do you?"

"So?" Xena asked.  "Do you always ask so many questions?"

"Yeah.  I do."  Xena grimaced when she felt a warm liquid sliding down her chest.  She quickly but gently held the baby out away from her and he sprayed her in the face.  The younger woman stifled a giggle.  Xena's icy eyes glared up at the girl as her flawless skin blushed from her laughter.

"That's not funny."

"Well, that depends on what you call funny.  Anyway, do you want me to take him now?"  Xena was still unsure, but due to the somewhat gentle spirit the woman seemed to possess, Xena handed the baby to the young woman and dipped herself back into the water to clean off.  Gabrielle sat down on a tree stump and pulled a white cloth out of her pack.  She fastened it around the baby's lower half to give him a make-shift diaper.  Xena pulled herself out of the water and quickly dressed in her heavy furs.   "Aren't you warm in that?"

"I'm just fine," Xena lied.

"Alright.  Do you have any clothes for your baby?"

"No.  He was just born last night.  I haven't had the time to go shopping.  I'm not sure when I'll have time between being in hiding and being wanted by my own army."

"Oh.  So you're . . ." Gabrielle started.  She studied the woman for a moment.  The dark hair, the fierce, beautiful blue eyes, and the army.  "By the Gods!  You're Xena, aren't you?"  Xena couldn't help but give a sort of smile.  She cleared her throat and sat down slowly in the grass.

"You're good."

"Well, I study scrolls and everything."

"Why don't you just give me my baby and be on your way.  I'm sure your parents are wondering where you are, little girl."  That last sentence seemed to strike a chord within the young woman.  She stood up quickly and looked down at Xena with a ferocious glint in her eyes.

"I'm not a little girl!" Gabrielle protested viciously.  "That's exactly why I left home."  Gabrielle seemed to calm after that declaration, and she sat down on the stump again.  Xena looked at her as she continued her story.  \

"My father wants me to marry this stupid farmer that I don't care about at all.  I wanted to choose my husband on my own, but he says little girls don't get to choose."

"Well, you can't be more than fifteen years old.  Your father sounds like a typical father, though.  You can't blame the man for trying to protect his daughter.  I left home at fifteen too, but of course, I didn't have a father to stop me."

"Yeah.  I am fifteen," Gabrielle replied.  "So?"

"So, you are far too young to be out on your own."

"You did it.  You led an army not long after.  Believe me, I have read just about ever scroll on you.  I didn't know you had a child, though."  Xena finally decided that she had never met anyone like Gabrielle before.  Gabrielle seemed to see right into Xena's soul, and she even knew about her from legends.  Xena felt sort of a sense of pride that this girl had studied her before she even knew her.

"Nobody did.  He was born last night, and up until last night, the only three people who knew about this baby were myself, his father, and my traitorous servant."

"That's pretty strange.  You'd think someone would get suspicious in your army.  You can't hide pregnancy forever, you know?"

"That's why I wore these furs.  They've covered up a lot of things.  Besides, I didn't want my enemy taking it easy on me just because I was pregnant."  Gabrielle's beautiful eyes widened.  She decided not to press the issue of fighting during the pregnancy seeing as it was all over and done with already.

"You don't have anything else to wear?"

"Just my sword."

"Well, I can help you get some new clothes."

"I don't want your charity."

"Hey, I'm not paying.  I'm assuming you have your own money after all of your conquests and loots."  Xena nodded.  "I happen to be a good haggler.  I can get you a decent price on some new clothes for yourself and your baby."

"Look, I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going right now, so . . ."

"So you need some help," Gabrielle replied with a confidant smile.  "I'll help you out.  I can help you get settled in somewhere.  Your baby looks like he needs a nice place to sleep, and you look like you could use a warm bed.

"That's not what I meant.  Look, I'm not sure if I'm even planning on keeping this baby.  I might just find him a good home and . . ."

"And do what? Go back to your army?  From the sound of it,  they're out for you.  You must have deserted them."

"You don't know me.  You don't know what I went through last night.  Gods, girl, wouldn't you have left too if one of your own men killed the father of your child?"

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be.  We don't know each other.  I'm sure we'll never meet again.  So I'm leaving."

"If you just gave birth last night, at least rest a few days before going back out on the road.  You must be awfully tired."

"I can't.  My horse is dead.  I have to stay ahead of my army, which means I need to leave now if I'm going to stay ahead of them on foot."

"Why not let them pass you?  You'd have a little extra time that way."

"You're smarter than I thought."

"You've known me for all of three minutes, but thanks.  My parents always told me I had a gift."

"Well, being smart isn't everything."

"And money and power are everything?"

"Kid, you should . . ."

"Stop calling me kid!" Gabrielle warned.  Out of instinct, Xena took Solan out of Gabrielle's arms.

"I'm warning you, little girl, you shouldn't ever act like that with my child in your arms."  Gabrielle swallowed hard and looked frightened for the first time since Xena met her.  Usually, people cowered in fear at a first glimpse of the warrior woman.

"I'm sorry.  I just hate when people treat me like a child."

"As I was saying, just go back home.  The road is no place for someone like you."  Xena stood and turned to walk away, and Gabrielle watched her.  She wondered how a woman like Xena could just walk away from giving her child a good life.  From what she knew about her, Xena was very smart and always thought ahead, so why couldn't she think ahead now and do what was best for her baby?  Gabrielle looked past the bad in Xena, because she thought that everyone had the capacity to become good.  Why couldn't Xena just let go of her demons and be a mother to her child?  She only knew the woman for about five minutes, but from their encounter and the stories she had heard about her, she knew that Xena was an amazing person, but not even Xena herself knew that.

Yes, it was true that Xena was a warlord, someone who wasn't fighting for the greater good, but she had also read of a lesser known story of Xena saving an infant from a house fire that her own army had started.  The warrior had the capability to be great and fight for good.  So why wasn't she?  Gabrielle knew she had to find out more.

"Are you sure you don't need my help?" Gabrielle called after the warrior.  Xena didn't turn around.  She kept her eyes fixed on the path ahead while her child slept restlessly in her arms.  Gabrielle began to walk after Xena.  She expected the warrior to sense her, and wasn't surprised at all to hear an angry bark ahead.

"If you know what's good for you, you won't follow me!" Xena called back.  "You don't want to make me mad, do you?"  Gabrielle halted and watched Xena walk away.  She contemplated Xena's words until the warrior was nearly a dot in the distance; then she began to follow her, knowing there was some good in Xena.  Gabrielle was determined to find it.

**************************

At sunset, Xena stopped because she was becoming more weary from hunger.  She knew she had exceeded her limit for the day, so she built a fire and sat down around it with her newborn son sleeping in her arms.  She had managed to catch a rabbit earlier, so she sat it down near the fire and drew her sword in preparation to skin it. 

She knew that Gabrielle had been following her, but as the day had worn on, she had become much more disoriented and hadn't recognized the signs of Gabrielle's presence.  Gabrielle was still walking in Xena's path, following the light the fire gave off.  She knew Xena was close, but didn't want to startle the warrior.

"I'm hungry," Xena mumbled as she put her baby down in his sling and took the rabbit to skin it.  She wasn't a cook by any means, but she learned how to cook the food she did catch well enough that it wasn't raw anymore.

Gabrielle quickly caught up to the campsite and smelled the aroma of cooking rabbit.  She figured the warrior had finally decided to eat something.  She hadn't eaten all day, because the only time Xena stopped that day was to relax with the baby and feed him.  She slowly stepped around to the other side of the fire. 

"Xena?" Gabrielle asked quietly.  Xena, who was cleaning her sword off after skinning the rabbit, grabbed her weapon and sprang to her feet, readying herself for an attack.  "It's ok!  It's just me!"  Xena kept her sword drawn and narrowed her eyes for a moment.  When she opened them fully again, she stared angrily at the young girl before her.

"Stop following me!  I'd hate to have to kill such a pretty girl."  She started over to the other side of the fire.  Gabrielle backed up a little.  Xena sneered.  "You're afraid."  Gabrielle scoffed and shook her head.

"You get your kicks by scaring people?  That's not a great way to live, Xena."

"Why don't you try it?  You might like it."

"I'd rather not.  I'd rather be respected."

"What are you talking about?  I am respected."

"You call people spreading horror stories and being afraid of you respect?"  Xena put her sword back in its sheath and went back to her son.  She picked him up and held him close to her bosom.  She realized that the young girl had a point.  How could she actually let Gabrielle get to her in this way?  She hated feeling like this.  But she did know that Gabrielle was slowly starting to grow on her, even though she barely knew her.  Quickly, she put her guard back up.

"Don't even start to try to define me, Gabrielle."  Gabrielle seemed taken aback, but in a good way.  Xena

noticed the surprise in Gabrielle's shimmering eyes.  "What?"

"That's the first time you've called me that."

"So?"

"Well, at least we've gotten past little girl."  Xena formed a small smile and was tempted to call her a little girl again just to push her buttons, but she decided against it.

"Why do you have to be so annoying?"

"I was born with the talent, I guess."  If there was one thing Gabrielle knew how to do better than anything else, it was the art of talking her way out of any situation and using sarcasm.  More often than not, she was able to get by without sarcasm, but she realized she needed it with this woman.

"Just go away.  You don't need to be here."

"What makes you think you can tell me what I need?   Besides, I think I do need to be here.  I don't know why, but something told me to follow you today.  Something told me that there is a lot of good in you, and I know I can find it.  I don't know why, but I do."  Xena was now startled by the moving words of the woman.  How was she able to read her soul like that?  She believed things about her that Xena didn't even believe about herself.  But Xena had been told by countless people before, people who cared for her, that she was capable of being good.  The first person to ever say that to her was her mother.  She had hated to see the pain in her mother's eyes when she left Amphipolis.  Her mother begged for her to be the good little girl she used to be.  But Xena had looked at her mother angrily and spat that there was no good left in her.

"The only good thing about me, Gabrielle, is this child.  This is the only good thing that has ever come from me.  It's the only good thing that will ever come of me.  That's it."  She shook off the memory of her last conversation with her mother.  Gods, she missed her mother so much.  But she figured the woman hated her by now.  She would hate her too, if she were in her mother's position.

"You actually want your child to be raised by someone who won't give up wanting a life full of power and money?  Sure that's alright if you're a king or a queen, but you're a warlord.  You're bloodthirsty and you're e . . ."  Xena's heart skipped a beat.  She had been called evil so many times and she had started to believe it once.  She had liked being feared.  She had actually enjoyed the tears caused by children as she rode through towns on her horse.  But things had changed drastically.  The time she felt truly evil was when she was with Alti.  Those had been horrible, savage days, and she thanked the gods that she had gotten out of that quickly and left Alti behind to do what she did best, kill people for her own benefit.

Xena realized she had been staring at Gabrielle with her mouth gaping open for some time.  She needed to say something.  She wanted to hear Gabrielle call her evil.  She needed a reason to be angry with this angelic-faced young woman.  She definitely couldn't think of one right now except for the fact that she was being nice and trying to help.

"Go on.  Say it."

"You're not evil, if that's what you thought I was going to say."  Xena was quite surprised.  She saw such a

fire in the young woman's eyes.  It was a fire she had had in her own eyes when she was younger, before Cortese attacked Amphipolis.  It was more of a light, really.

"So what were you going to say?"

"You're everything you've obviously wanted to become."  Gabrielle turned her back and started to walk

away.  Xena noticed that she had a frying pan sticking out of her pack.  She was obviously someone who knew how to cook.  Maybe the girl could come in handy after all.  Sometimes Xena just couldn't bear to eat a meal she had prepared herself.  The rabbit she had cooking over the fire had practically burnt up.  Xena quickly took it off of the heat and sat it down to cool. 

"Wait."  Gabrielle turned around again.  Xena looked down at her son.  "I could use the company."  Gabrielle gave Xena a brief smile and slowly sat down beside her.  Xena threw a log onto the fire and Gabrielle watched her for a moment.  She was trying to figure this woman out.  One moment she was cold and thoughtless, but the next she was warm and accommodating.

"Uh, I made your baby something.  If . . . if I can give it to him?"  Xena looked curiously at this interesting woman for a moment before she finally nodded.  Gabrielle pulled a tiny brown tunic and pair of pants out of her pack. 

"You make clothes?" Xena asked.

"I got bored while I was following you.  I've spent years making baby clothes for all of the neighbor women.  It didn't take any trouble at all.  I just figured he might want something to wear."  She motioned toward the baby.  She handed Xena the clothes and the warrior gently unwrapped the baby from his sling and he squirmed

around a little.  Gabrielle smiled.  "He's beautiful."

"He looks like his father."

"I think he looks a bit like you."  Xena looked at the girl who's cheeks flushed a bit.  "I just mean he has

your facial structure and such . . ."

"I don't know.  I don't look at myself too often."  Xena slid the small shirt over the baby's head and then put the pants over his makeshift diaper.  The baby seemed happy with his new garb, so he stretched out and fell

asleep in his mother's lap.  Xena looked down at the little creature who had been kicking around inside of her for months.  It was so strange to actually see him as a living, breathing person.  He had once been nothing but a part of two different anatomies.  Now he was a full-fledged human being, created from the passion of two dark warriors.  But when she looked at him, she saw all of the goodness she knew she used to have.  She saw the goodness Borias had in his heart; the love he had for her and their child. 

"It's amazing that I actually created this little thing."  Gabrielle smiled when she heard those words from Xena.  The warrior was beginning to put her guard down and get in touch with the child she had given birth too.

"Do you mind if I ask about his father?"

"Um," Xena began, "well, I guess it's alright.  I just hope you know that I'm not doing this because I like

you.  I mean, I can't cook, and you make those diaper things really well.  Do you think you could teach me?"  Gabrielle nodded.  She knew that the warrior would have to get used to having her around, because she wasn't planning on going anywhere for awhile.  She knew Xena was starting to warm up to her, but she just wasn't going to admit it to herself.  Gabrielle was going to give Xena some time.

"So you want me to be your slave?" Gabrielle asked in a joking manner.

"No.  I'll pay you if you need me to."

"So I'm your son's nanny?" Gabrielle asked.

"No.  I won't leave him with you if that's what you're saying.  He's my son."

"The son you're planning on giving up?"

"Hey, I never said that.  I'm thinking about it.  I just haven't made up my mind."

"Xena, you're going to see that you're not going to want to give him up.  The longer you care for him, the more impossible it's going to get to give him up.  He's your son.  You carried him around in you for nine months.  You gave birth to him, and now he's here in your arms.  You really want to give up that beautiful little baby?"

"Hey, you're not the one who's in this situation."  Gabrielle shook her head.

"I don't ever plan on it either."

"You don't plan on having children?"

"Of course I do.  I don't ever plan on even considering giving up a child."

"Well, that's you.  We're totally different people, Gabrielle."

"I suppose you're right," Gabrielle replied.  She adjusted her skirt and stared into the fire.  "When I was a

little girl, my parents used to tell me that I could be whatever I wanted to be.  But what they really wanted me to be was a housewife.  I wanted to be a bard.  I studied the stars and maps.  I knew just about everything about every Greek bard.  Gods, I even memorized all of the Roman gods and goddesses because I knew that one day that knowledge would come in handy."  Xena watched the bard and wondered just where she came from.  She looked like any normal, everyday Greek girl, but she had this wonderful light in her eyes.  It was a light like Xena had never seen  in anyone else before.

"Gabrielle, do you know who you remind me of?" Xena asked, stretching out on the ground to look up at the stars, putting her sleeping son beside her. 

"Who?" Gabrielle asked, leaning back on her side of the fire, her eyes starting to fall heavy with exhaustion.

"Me."  Gabrielle sat up and looked over at Xena with curiosity in her eyes.

"Xena, I'm not like you."

"I know, but once, a long time ago, I was like you."  The bard relaxed and drifted off to sleep with that thought in her mind.  She knew Xena had not always been this bad.  She knew the warrior had once been a normal woman with a normal life.  She had read all about how Xena became a warrior and about Cortese.  She cursed the man's name because he was the man who turned a wonderful girl into a horrible killing machine.

Xena looked over to see the young girl sleeping.  She looked so peaceful as if she were already dreaming.  Xena missed dreaming.  She never dreamed anymore because her nights were either dreamless or restless.  She would have nightmares occasionally, but her life was more of a nightmare to scare her than any old bad dream.

Xena took one last glance at her sleeping son before she closed her eyes.  She contemplated getting up early enough to leave Gabrielle.  She didn't want to drag the innocent girl into her life.  She was supposed to hate people like Gabrielle, but she couldn't help but feel connected to her.  She didn't know why she felt that connection, but she did.  It was something that she didn't expect.  Maybe Gabrielle felt that connection too.  After all, she had mentioned something about having to follow.  Maybe she and Gabrielle were connected by fate, but was that something that Xena could let herself believe in?   Fate had tricked her many times.  That was one reason Xena couldn't let herself get close to anyone.  She knew that no matter what, everyone was going to die; some sooner than others.  She didn't like feeling that vulnerable and small.  She didn't like to think about dying or losing anyone close to her heart.  That's why the only person she had let herself get close to after Chin was Borias.  They connected even more when Solan was conceived, and then Borias died.  She only regretted treating the man so coldly and terribly.  If she had known she didn't have much longer with them, she could have somehow made up for her behavior in ways that he would have appreciated. Could Xena really let someone like Gabrielle into her life knowing exactly what the future held?

Before she drifted off to sleep, she looked over to see Gabrielle rolling over to lay on her other side.  She saw the beauty, innocence, and light that emanated from Gabrielle's face, and it was then that she knew that maybe she could find it in her heart to let someone else in.  After all, she was going to have to be able to share that connection with at least one person, her son.  Why not have a friend to talk to?  Xena had never had many girl friends in her life, but she figured that if she could connect with her own child, whom she had originally intended to do away with, she could connect with Gabrielle too.

Chapter Two

Midnight came two hours later with the wails of baby Solan.  Gabrielle woke when Xena did, but she pretended to be asleep.  She watched the warrior pick her small son  up into her arms and touch his cheek lightly with her fingers.  She whispered something softly to him, and Gabrielle could see just how much love this woman had to give for this one tiny child.  She saw the light from the dwindling campfire reflecting in Xena's eyes, and in that reflection was a glint of love and devotion.

"Okay, Solan," Xena whispered.  "It's time to eat.  Let's not wake up the girl, okay?"  Gabrielle smiled a little at Xena's reference to her.  She heard Xena moving around a little, and before too long, the baby's cries had stopped, and he was suckling hungrily at his mother's breast.  Xena realized that she hadn't really spoken much to her son.  They hadn't bonded a lot yet, and she had heard from village women that it was good to bond with your baby and talk to it before it was born too.  She shivered as she remembered Satrina telling her that if she didn't talk to her unborn son, he would be detached from his mother and they would never be close. 

She felt an eerie sensation creep over her body, thinking about Satrina's words.  She knew that the woman was a psycho path, but maybe she was right about that one thing.  Xena, licked her dry lips and smiled down at her newborn son. 

"So, I know we haven't gotten off to a great start.  I know I wasn't a great mother to you before you were born.  I put my needs first and I'm sorry.  See, I'm supposed to be this horrible person who runs around killing people for sport.  I'm not supposed to care about anything or anyone.  But the moment I laid eyes on you, I realized that I wasn't all bad.  If I could help create something as amazing and wonderful as you, I wasn't as horrible as I thought.  Solan, I know I'm not a great mother, but I don't want to hand you over to some strange family that knows nothing about you or me.  I want you in my life, because I am a very selfish person.  I want the things I love.  It has always been money, power, and fame.  Right now, you're what I need and want in my life.  I think you're going to help me.  Solan, I don't want to be a bad example for you.  I'm going to try to fix my life.  I don't know how she did it, but Gabrielle convinced me that this is what I've got to do.  I am a mother now, whether I chose to be or not, and I'm glad that I am your mother.  Thank you, Solan."

A smile had crept over Gabrielle's face.  She knew that she would have to pretend she didn't hear what Xena had said, but she was glad she had heard it.  She had reached Xena, and she knew it was only a matter of time before the warrior came clean and admitted that she wanted Gabrielle's help.

The sound of metal against metal made Gabrielle sit up quickly.  She heard Xena draw her sword so she glanced over her shoulder.

"What was that?" the young bard asked.  Xena looked around a bit and pulled her son away from her

breast.  He started to fuss because he wasn't finished eating yet.

"I don't know, but I could just about guess that it's one of my men."  She scowled.  "Yeah, what a great idea to put up camp and let them pass me."  Gabrielle felt hurt for a moment.

"I was just trying to help."

"Well next time, don't help," Xena growled, put her guard back up.  "Now take the baby and get behind

me."  Xena handed the infant to Gabrielle and she got behind her.  The warrior held her sword steady, and waited for her opponent to step into the light of the fire.  Gabrielle held Solan close, hoping that the warrior could handle this person on her own.  Gabrielle didn't know how to fight unless wrestling her little sister counted.

The clanging of armor was so close that the footsteps of the man were audible.  Xena could feel Gabrielle tense up behind her and she shook her head.

"If you know what's good for you, you'll learn how to fight.  "

"I don't want to kill people."

"You don't have to kill people.  You just need to know how to defend yourself, because if you want to live like this, you need to know how to defend yourself.  One of these days, you're going to be on your own, and I won't be there to help you like this."  At that moment, the man stepped into the clearing.  Xena didn't waste any time and pounced on him, knocking him to the ground.  Gabrielle watched her slam her fingers down into his neck.  "Who sent you?"  The man beneath her looked so pale.  He looked afraid, but Xena didn't care.  As far as she was concerned, most men were a bunch of pigs who only wanted one thing from a woman.

"I don't know!" the man spat.  "I was just . . . just taking a walk!"

"Well you can walk right back to Dagnine and tell him that when he finds me, I'll kill him."

"Who . . . who is Dagnine?"

"Xena!  I don't think he's with your army."

"He could be a new recruit.  They always send the new recruits out to scout."

"What?!" the poor, bumbling man asked.  Xena took the pinch off of him and stood him up.  She knocked

the silly hat off of his head and slammed him up against a tree, keeping hold of the neck of his shirt.

"Who are you, little man?"

"J-Joxer the M-Mighty, at your service," Joxer stuttered.

"I've never heard of you.  I don't know who you are or what you want, Joxer, but sneaking up on two

women and a baby in the middle of the night is not exactly what I would call smart.  I've killed men for less.  Besides, I don't need your services."

"I'm s-sorry," he said, his teeth still chattering from fright, "but I was cold and I saw fire.  I didn't know

that you were here.  But I'm glad you are.  I was hoping to enlist in your army."

"Look, Joxer," Xena said, letting the man go,  "I don't think you know who you're talking to."

"You're Xena the warrior princess, right?"

"Some people call me that."

"Then I've found the right person."

"Well, you might as well keep walking, because I don't have an army anymore.  They're actually looking

for me."

"Well, can I still be of service to you?"

"No."  Gabrielle had to speak up.  The poor man looked as if he hadn't slept in a week.

"Would you like to sit down?" she asked.

"Gabrielle!" Xena exclaimed.  Gabrielle sure was a bold little creature.  She was offering for this strange

man to share Xena's campfire, which she herself had actually intruded on.

"Xena, he's tired and cold.  Can't we at least let him share our fire for one night?"  Xena turned back to

look at Joxer.  Our fire?  Since when did Gabrielle have the right to say that anything was hers and Xena's together? 

Xena realized that Gabrielle was trying to be compassionate, and she should probably oblige so the poor man could at least be off of his feet to rest for a night.

"You're lucky she's here.  If she hadn't been, I probably would have killed you."  She walked away from

him and took Solan into her arms.  She started off of the campsite.

"Xena, where are you going?" Gabrielle asked.

"I'm taking a walk.  I need to finish feeding my son."  That wasn't really the reason she was walking away. 

She really wasn't modest when it came to anyone.  She could have easily plopped her breast out of her clothes right in front of Joxer and not thought anything of it.  But, she needed time alone with the baby.  She stalked off and Joxer sat down and warmed his hands over the fire. 

"Some friend you have," Joxer said quietly.

"She's not exactly a friend.  She probably would have killed me too, but she was holding her son and she

was bathing when we met.  Plus, I have a way with words."  She felt stupid for saying that.  Her cheeks blushed a little.  She caught Joxer looking at her with a warm smile on his face.  He seemed like the sweet type.  He was handsome and not too muscular.  Most men were obsessed with becoming large and strong to attract women.  Gabrielle liked the sleek, thin look on a man.  Muscles weren't everything.

"You're lucky then.  I've heard about her.  She doesn't kill women and children though.  She probably

would have ripped my heart out of my chest if you hadn't been here."  He glanced into the eyes of this young, beautiful woman.  She was eyes like glowing orbs.  They were so beautiful and he felt like he was in a trance as he stared into them.

"She's kind of lost right now.  I think she's trying to be better for her baby's sake."

"Well, she could sure try a little harder," Joxer replied bitterly, looking away and into the campfire. 

Gabrielle stood up and she walked around the campfire to stretch out.  She wondered if she should go after Xena, but she figured the warrior would only be angry with her anyway for having offered this weary man some

accommodations.

"Do you want something to eat?" Gabrielle asked, trying to be as hospitable as possible.  "We still have

some rabbit.  We didn't eat much earlier."

"No.  That's alright.  I ate a few hours ago.  Thank you though."

"You're welcome.  Well, you can sleep here tonight if you like.  It won't bother me."

"Yeah, but I don't want to wake up with my internal organs lying next to me in the morning either.  She doesn't care for me very much."  He nodded in the direction that Xena has disappeared in.  Gabrielle glimpsed in that direction before turning her eyes back to Joxer's tired ones.

"She doesn't much care for anyone except that little baby.  I don't think she adjusts well to change."

"Well, good luck to that kid.  He's going to need it."  Gabrielle wanted to defend Xena since she wasn't

there to defend herself.  She wanted to tell Joxer that Xena was going to be an amazing mom and that she was going to change.  But she couldn't say anything to that effect, because she had no idea that Xena was really going to change and become good.  She had hopes, but no clear way of knowing.  She decided that she was going to ignore Joxer's bitterness toward the warrior.  Gabrielle figured she would have been bitter too if the first time she met Xena, the warrior lunged at her and knocked her to the ground.

"Hey, why don't you just get some sleep?  I'm going to go find some more firewood, Joxer.  It was Joxer,

right?"

"Right," Joxer mumbled, settling down and rolling to one side to get comfortable.  Gabrielle noticed that

his hand went right to the hilt of his bent sword.  She shook her head and walked out into the dark woods to find

more firewood.  She hadn't had much contact with warriors in her fifteen years, but she did know that Joxer was no

warrior.  He wasn't built like a warrior, and he definitely didn't have the personality.  Gabrielle doubted that he had

ever killed a person in his life.  He was a wannabe.  She admired him for trying to be gallant and respected, but she

pitied him because she knew he would never be what he dreamed to be.

As she walked, she noticed that the woods were getting chillier.  She could see her breath now.  It was

summer, but then again, Gabrielle didn't have much experience with being out in the wilderness at this time of night.  She was unfamiliar to the land she was in, so she knew she better not stray too far from the light of the fire. 

The hair on the back of her neck was standing on end, and small bumps rose up on her arms and legs.  She

shuddered as the cold clung to her skin and made it clammy.

"Xena?" she asked, her voice coming out in an almost inaudible squeak.  She almost wished Joxer were at her side now because at least he had a sword.

"You look lost."  The dry voice from behind startled Gabrielle.  She spun around on her heels and stared into the dark eyes of a tall, dark, and very handsome man. He had large, rippling muscles that normally wouldn't appeal to her, but there was something different about him.  There was an almost dreamy glow in his eyes. Gabrielle's eyes went wide as she noticed the man was clad in leather and carried a large, fancy sword.

"I'm not lost," she muttered quietly, rubbing her arms to try to stay warm.

"Then why are you wandering out here at this hour?  These are my woods."

"Who are you?"  For some reason the man seemed familiar.  She didn't think she had ever seen him before,

but his dark, alluring presence felt familiar.

"Ares."

"The God of War?"

"No.  The Queen of Egypt.  Of course I'm the God of War."

"These are your woods?  I didn't know the gods owned these woods."

"We own everything.  My parents created this place, so I think I'm entitled to walk around in it at night." 

Gabrielle was taken aback by his manner of speaking.  He seemed awfully full of the fact that his parents were the king and queen of the gods.  But then again, who wouldn't be?

"Why these woods?"

"You ask a lot of questions for a little girl."  Gabrielle cringed.  She hated it even more when he said it.  It

seemed more ferocious and taunting coming from his lips.

"Hey!" Gabrielle spun around to see Xena standing there with her baby hidden and nursing beneath her

furs.  Gabrielle's eyes looked back and forth from Xena to Ares.  She noticed them eyeing each other as if she

wasn't even there anymore.  The look in Xena's eyes was soft yet full of anger.  The look in Ares' eyes was nothing

but lustful.

"Xena.  I . . ."

"Gabrielle, go back to camp," Xena ordered, not bothering to take her gaze from Ares'.  For a split second,

Gabrielle wondered if these two had something going on between the two of them.  She wanted to stay and learn

more.

"No!"

"Now before I make you wish you hadn't followed me," Xena snarled.  Gabrielle saw the fire in Xena's

eyes.  It was a fire that seemed to glow stronger and brighter.  She knew Xena wouldn't hurt her, but the words

stung her like a slap in the face.  She quickly walked away and Xena's upper lip curled into a fierce scowl.  "What

do you want, Ares?"  His eyes traveled down her body.  He only wished that she wasn't hidden beneath all of those

layers of fur.  He wished that he could see her beautiful body in all of it's glory, battle scars and all.

"What have I always wanted?"

"Something you aren't ever going to get."

"It's been a long time, Xena."

"Yeah, well, I didn't plan on ever seeing you again."  She walked around as if to circle him.  Why now, of all times, did he choose to appear to her?  Gods, she hadn't looked into those intoxicating eyes in years.  The effect he used to have on her pulsated within her for a moment.  She swallowed hard and tried not to think of how seductive the man could be with just a look.

"Hey, I've been busy."

"Well, I hope you know that I've been busy too.  I haven't needed you.  I had someone else for a long time. 

His name was Borias.  He and I were partners.  We did just fine without your guidance."  She looked at him as a

pang of jealousy shined momentarily in his eyes.  He quickly masked his jealousy with a steely glare.  A smile

tugged at one corner of Xena's mouth.

"And that's left you where?  Standing out in the middle of the woods in the middle of the night?  Oh Xena,

I heard about you deserting the army.  It's a shame."

"I suppose you heard why?"

"Borias is dead."

"That's all you heard?" Xena asked curiously.  She figured that maybe Solan was safer if Ares didn't know

about him.  Xena knew that Ares was more respectable than to spy on her when she didn't know it.  Plus, she always

knew when he was around.  She could sense him.  She figured she could keep the child hidden for at least a little

while.

"Is there something else?" he asked.

"No."

"I know you're lying to me.  Xena, why do you have to lie to me?  You know you can't resist me.  You

know that you're going to tell me what's on your mind eventually.  You remember how it used to be.  I was your

confidant."  Xena shook her head.  She hated when he brought up the past.

"It's not that way anymore!" Xena exclaimed.  "You abandoned me after Caesar had my legs broken. 

Where were you when I was stumbling around as a cripple, huh, Ares?  Where were you when I needed you to

destroy that son of a Bacchae?!  Caesar should be dead now, but I haven't gotten close enough to kill him yet.  I'm

sure you lost faith in me.  I'm sure that's why you abandoned me.  I don't need you.  You can go to Tartarus!"

"Sadly that isn't going to happen.  I'm immortal, remember?"

"Unfortunately."

"Look, Ares, you helped shape me into what I was when I met Caesar.  But from then on out, I changed

drastically.  I changed my purpose."

"Oh.  I know all about that.  Your purpose was death.  You went around killing everyone in sight.  Well, it

seems you've changed your purpose again."

"And why would you say that?"

"Because you still have that irritating blonde around.  It's obvious she doesn't know you very well.  I can sense tension between the two of you.  I know you haven't known her long, and yet she's still alive.  The Xena who Caesar created, who made it her purpose to kill everyone in her path, would have killed that annoying little brat from the moment she opened her mouth.  But you've become softer.  Why?"

"I haven't," Xena snapped.  She felt her child starting to squirm in her arms.  She felt his mouth unlatch from her breast, and she feared that he would start to cry and make his presence known.  She lightly put one finger into his mouth, and thankfully for Xena, he accepted it and sucked on it.

"You have, Xena.  Don't deny it because it's true.  You're hiding something.  I know I haven't been around, but I still want you to be my warrior queen.  What do you say?"  Xena couldn't help but let a small chuckle escape.

"I say . . . get lost."  Xena walked off with her son hidden in her clothes.  She knew Ares would find out about Solan eventually, but she didn't have the strength to deal with it yet.  She couldn't let Ares try to get to her when she was at this weakened state.  She needed to build up more strength before she could let the God of War come creeping around her life again.

A few minutes later, she got back to the campfire to find Joxer sleeping, curled up like a baby.  Gabrielle was sitting by the fire, throwing small twigs into it.  Xena looked at the woman who had tried to befriend her.  She saw hurt in her eyes, and she didn't know what to do about it.  She hadn't ever had to deal with a situation like this before.  Why did she care anyway?  She was supposed to be a hard-hearted murderous bitch.  Why was she letting this young, innocent woman get to her?  Maybe Ares was right.  Maybe she was getting softer.  But was that so bad?  Xena thought she wanted to be softer for the sake of her son.

"Gabrielle," Xena began.  The bard snapped her head up to stare into Xena's eyes.  Tears glistened in them.  She felt like a fool.

"Don't."

"Look, I told you from the start that . . ."

"I know what you said."

"You're leaving, aren't you?"

"Why would you say that?  I'm not going anywhere."

"Not even after what I said?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I know that you're not really like this.  Xena, you're a good person, but you just don't know it yet."

"I'm not a good person, Gabrielle.  Don't fill your head with those kinds of ideas about me.  I'm nothing

but trouble.  It would probably do you a lot of good to just pack up and leave right now.  You don't want to get involved with me."  But in Xena's mind, she was wishing that the bard could stay and help her.  She felt like she was starting to open up to her, if only she could get past the barrier she had put down between her heart and the rest of the world.  Gabrielle was the only woman Xena had been able to open up to since Lao Ma.  But this was something else.  With Lao Ma, Xena was still quick to kill and betray.  With Gabrielle, Xena felt like she was responsible for her somehow.  The girl had read up on her and knew all about her.  Xena felt like she needed to set an example.  But what kind of example was she setting by barking at her and being psychologically cruel?

"Yes I do."  Xena turned her head to look at the blonde.  Did Gabrielle actually say she wanted to get involved with Xena?  This girl must have been very brave to want to get tangled up in Xena's messy life.

"Why?"

"Because I've never met anyone like you before, but I connected with you right away.  Well, at least I felt a

connection.  Who knows?  Maybe we were destined to meet."

"You believe in that kind of stuff?"

"I believe in a lot of things."

"You seem like someone who would.  You're a good person, Gabrielle.  Don't let me ruin that."  Xena sat

down and placed her son at her side.  She looked into the fire, staring deep into it, deep into her past, remembering all of the times she killed just for spite.  She was suddenly growing bitter toward all of those memories.  She thought of her son.  What would her son think of the way his mother was?   She couldn't let him get hurt or scarred by her past.  She had to change.  She knew she had to.  She wanted help, but how could she ask for it?

"I won't.  Look, there's something here, Xena.  Something inside of you is trying to break free.  You have a lot of hate and anger inside of you.  But you're slowly changing.  You didn't kill me, for starters.  That's good, right?"

"Well, good for you.  But I was in a vulnerable situation when we met.  Besides, I don't kill women and children."

"But you didn't kill Joxer."

"Because you stopped me.  Look, Gabrielle, you can't change those who are happy with the way they are."  Why was she fighting this?  She was feeling one way inside and speaking another way on the outside.  She wanted to scream.  She wanted to scream out that she wanted help.  But she had never asked for help before.

"You're actually happy?"

"Can you stop focusing on me for once?"  Gabrielle smiled at Xena, and the warrior looked at her strangely.   "I don't give a damn what happens to you.  Why don't you just leave?"  She hated the fact that she actually felt guilty for saying that.  But she couldn't stop the urges of her normal reactions.  She never had a nice thing to say, and she couldn't stop the way she was talking to this woman.  It was almost as if someone else was controlling what she was saying.  She really did give a damn.  Why was she acting like such a heartless bitch?  Then she realized that she was being normal.  This was her normal no matter how much she liked it or not.  She knew that this was going to be nearly impossible to change.

"You're fighting so hard to push me away, but you know you could end it all with the swipe of your sword."  Gabrielle grabbed Xena's sword, stuck it in the warrior's hand, and brought the blade to her own throat.  "Do it, Xena.  If you can't kill women and children you're soft, right?  Kill me.  Prove that you are so full of hate that you don't care for anyone but yourself." Something hit the warrior at that moment.  She was staring wide-eyed into the sea green eyes of the young bard.  "Come on, Xena.  Can't you feel the urge burning inside of you?  You want to taste blood.  Do it!"  This woman was laying her life on the line so she could prove her point.  Gods, this was the most intense thing Xena had faced in a long time besides the birth of her son. 

"No," Xena said, shaking her head.  She pulled her sword away and threw it to the ground beside her.  Tears started to form in her eyes.  The barrier was starting to give way.  She brushed the tears from her eyes before Gabrielle could see her in that state.

"Why couldn't you do it?" Gabrielle asked, exhaling sharply.

"I do care for someone beside myself.  I care for my son."

"At least you'll admit it."

"He's my son.  I . . . I am responsible for him.  I'm all he's got," Xena said.  She felt on the verge of tears

again.  She couldn't break down.  She swallowed hard and felt all of the rage toward herself starting to subside.  Was this what Lao Ma was talking about?  Was this her chance to just let go and stop hating?  As she looked into this young woman's eyes, she felt something she hadn't felt in a long time.  She felt warmth entering her heart, melting the ice that had built up there over the years.  A part of her was coming alive again.  A tear fell from her eye and streaked down her cheek.  Gabrielle reached out and put a hand on the warrior's face.  She started to pull away, but the hand brushed the tear away.  Xena turned her head to look at Gabrielle, her eyes full of wonder.  "Why are you being so nice to me?  I'm a lunatic."

"Because I want to help you.  And . . . you are not a lunatic.  You're just battling your inner demons."

"Even after those horrible things I said to you?"

"I know you didn't mean them."

"How do you know?"

"Because I know.  I'm good at reading people."

"So am I."

"Hey, we have something in common," Gabrielle said.  Then Xena did the unexpected.  She let her icy exterior fall away and she managed to give Gabrielle a weak half-smile.  When Gabrielle watched this woman finally break down and let a tear flow and smile, she realized that she had made a miraculous breakthrough.  Now Xena could become the woman she was destined to be.  Gabrielle didn't want to push the woman any further than she had gone that night, so she just smiled back at Xena.

"Oh," Xena muttered as her son started to kick anxiously beside her.  She lifted him up and held him in her lap.  He looked up at her with so much love in his eyes.  She could finally see the love coming from that child in the way she was supposed to see it.  "By the Gods."

"What?" Gabrielle asked.  Xena suddenly felt a gate open up inside of her.  She shook her head.

"This is the most beautiful child I have ever seen," she whispered.  Gabrielle grinned a beautiful beaming smile and scooted over a little closer to the warrior.

"He is beautiful."

"Solan," Xena whispered, "go to sleep.  Your mama's going to take good care of you.  Don't worry."  Xena lay down and put her son beside her.  Gabrielle smiled as if she had made a victory herself, and she watched as Xena rolled to her side to watch her son sleep.  It was almost as if she was reborn and seeing the world through new eyes.  To Gabrielle, this was a miracle.

**********************

"Xena!  Wake up!" Gabrielle exclaimed the next morning.  The warrior didn't budge.  She was deep in sleep after her emotional evening.  Plus, the last few days' events had added more to her drowsiness.  Gabrielle was holding Solan in her arms, rocking him back and forth.  "Come on!  Xena!  Please wake up!"  The warrior groaned a little and she finally opened one eye and then the other.  She didn't see her baby and was immediately alarmed.  Her heart began to pound in her chest.

"Solan!"  She sat up and was relieved to see Gabrielle holding him.

"Don't worry.  I've got him.  We have a problem."

"What kind of problem?" Xena asked.  She could smell the wonderful smells of breakfast cooking on the fire.  She saw a plate sitting on the stones just for her.  She grabbed it and ladled some stew onto her plate.  She grabbed an eating utensil from Gabrielle's pack and began to eat hungrily.  It was the first real thing she had had to eat in days besides the disgusting rabbit she had cooked the night before.  That wasn't really food.  It had practically burnt before she took it off of the fire.

"Joxer's missing."  It didn't really seem to worry Xena too much.  The man gave her a first impression of clumsiness and stupidity.

"So?" Xena asked.

"So!  That's bad!"

"Why is that bad?  He probably just walked off.  I probably scared him."  She chuckled proudly for a moment.  Gabrielle crossed her arms.  One eyebrow went up and Xena sighed.

"Alright, I know you're trying to revert from your old ways now, Xena, and don't try to deny it, but you have got to help me find him."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look, he has to be a wannabe warrior.  He wouldn't have left without his sword."  Xena saw Gabrielle pointing to the poor excuse of a sword on the ground.  Xena shoveled the last bit of food into her mouth, chewed it up, and swallowed it before she stood.

"Maybe he forgot it."

"I don't think so.  He doesn't seem to be the brightest man in the world, but I don't think he would have left unprotected."

"You're right," Xena replied with a sigh.  "I just don't think we should go after him."

"Why not?"

"Would it really be that bad if somebody did take him?  They got him off of our backs, didn't they?"

"Xena, look, we have a lot of work to do before you can actually say you've changed your ways.  But this

isn't helping."

"Maybe I don't want to be helped.  Maybe I have to do this on my own."  Xena sighed.  Why was she

doing this again?  Why couldn't she just tell Gabrielle that she needed her help?  This woman had suddenly come

into her life, and Xena was already starting to trust her.  That was a big step in itself.  She hated pushing the bard

away, but something inside of her just kept making her do it.

"I'm not going to let you do that," Gabrielle said quickly.

"Why not?"

"Do you want to change for your son?"

"What?"

"You have to admit it first.  You have to admit that you want to change."  Xena rolled her eyes and turned

away.  Gabrielle walked over to face her.  "Xena, this is for your son's future.  Now do you want to change or not?!"

"Yes!" Xena hissed.  Gabrielle nodded in approval.

"Good.  At least you've admitted it."

"You happy now?"  Xena hated being forced to say something, even it was true.  Now Gabrielle would

have the upper hand.

"A little.  I won't be completely happy until you come with me to find Joxer.  I don't know how to begin.  Come on, I'm sure you've tracked people before."

"Fine.  I'll help you find your little boyfriend."

"Hey!" Gabrielle snapped almost aggressively.

"What?  You obviously care about him."

"That's not it!  I don't even know him!  Xena, he's an innocent person.  Nobody deserves to be captured like that.  I honestly don't see how anyone got past you last night either."

"I usually wake at the drop of a leaf, but this was different.  I don't see how it happened either, but I've been so out of it lately, I probably just didn't hear it because of that.  Besides, I was too focused on my son's breathing.  I was so afraid that I was going to wake up and it would have all been a dream.  I was afraid that . . . that he would get sick in the night.  Maybe that's why I didn't hear it."

"It's sweet that you're concerned for your son, Xena.  But about Joxer, can't you just . . ."

"Alright.  We'll find Joxer."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet.  He might be dead already."

"We won't know till we get there, will we?"

"And where do you think he was taken?"

"I don't know.  You're the tracker.  I'm sure you can find out."  Xena rolled her eyes and took Solan so

Gabrielle could pack up her things and put out the fire.

****************************

"Let me out of here!" Joxer screamed as he grabbed the bars of the cage he was locked into.  He hated not knowing where he was or who had him captured.  He was completely blind to his surroundings as there were no windows, no candles, and no fractions of light to help him get acquainted with his prison.  He hoped that somebody would come to find him.  Maybe if he was lucky, Hercules would rescue him.  He had only met Hercules once.  Maybe he had gotten rid of his side kick Iolaus and needed a new one.  Joxer obviously had wishful thinking.  "Come on!  I have really strong friends and they're going to come find me!"  Friends.  Joxer felt sadness settle in his heart.  He never had time to make friends.  He always let his pride stand in the way.  Once he would prove to be an inadequate warrior, he would be laughed at.  He had never had a friendship in his life.  He had two brothers who took all of the attention.  He hated his parents for never giving him the time of day.  Maybe if they had paid more attention to him, he wouldn't be such a loser.

"Now, now.  I captured you for a reason," the sweet voice said in his ear.  She was obviously a woman.  The room was so dark that he couldn't see who was standing outside of the cage he had been thrown into.

"Who are you?"

"That would just ruin all of the fun," the voice whispered.

"So you're a woman," Joxer said thoughtfully.  "What do you want with me?"  He suddenly got a curious

thought.  "Oh!  Look, if this is some kind of game, you don't have to lock me up.  I'm certainly not one to play games, but if that's what you like . . ."

"Silence!  I have absolutely no interest in you except that you are associated with someone I hate more than life itself."  Joxer heard the footsteps of his captor rush off and he sat in the dark, wondering who exactly this woman was after.

*******************

"Okay, so we're on the road with absolutely no idea where we're going, with no evidence whatsoever except for a sword left behind, and no trail.  This should be very easy," Xena said sarcastically. 

"I thought you were an excellent tracker."

"Well, there's no reason to expect that Joxer was kidnapped except for the sword left behind.  Maybe he left it behind because he realized he wasn't a warrior and I was never going to let him join my army . . . well, not that I have an army anymore, but . . ."

"Well, let's just ask some questions."

"No!  I'm sure my army's been through here."

"Xena, I'm sure a few villagers aren't going to mess with you.  Plus, you look like you could use some new

clothes.  Why don't you browse around while I ask questions?"

"I don't browse.  I hate shopping."  The warrior had never been one for the more girly things in life.  Up

until she left home, she sword-played with her brothers, went fishing, and helped her mother around the tavern.  She never went shopping, stayed over at a friend's, or had a lot of girl friends.  She had found it much more successful to be friends with the boys.  The boys liked to touch her and play games with her once she came of age.  She soon became known as a little tramp in the eyes of the other village girls.  Luckily, those truths never got to her mother's ear until after she left home.

"Come on, Xena.  Live a little."   Xena rolled her eyes and carried her son to the nearest clothing shop.  She was very happy when she found a very expensive leather bodice with armor and a breastplate.  The battle dress was a grayish black.  There was a sheath for her sword, and the breast plate had a very intricate design.  It was beautiful, and she had to have it.   

"What do you think, Solan?" Xena asked.  Solan remained asleep in his mother's arms.  Xena looked at the shopkeeper.  "I'm going to take this."

"That's fifty dinars."

"Fifty?" Xena asked.  She knew men of his type.  The way he looked at her made her know that he knew who she was.  Men like that looked down on her and cursed her name.

"I'm sure a warlord like yourself can afford it," the prudish man said, turning his nose up to Xena.  Xena grabbed him by the throat and glared into his eyes.

"How about you mind your own business and give me this for twenty-five dinars."

"Deal," the man gasped, not wanting to press any bad buttons on his woman.  He had heard the stories.  He knew how violent she could get over the smallest things. 

Xena released her deadly grip and grabbed the clothes off of the rack.  She paid for it and went to change.  She put Solan down long enough to change.  He looked up at his mother with interest as soon as she changed into the form-fitting leather and breast-plate.

"Well, I think it works," Xena said.  Solan cooed and Xena smiled.  "You're a good baby, you know that?"  Xena exited the room and left her old furs there.  She carried her son out of the building feeling lighter and a little happier.  She found Gabrielle rushing down the dirt street.  Perhaps she had found some information on Joxer's whereabouts.

"Xena!"

"What?"

"I asked around, and apparently there was a troop coming through here early this morning with a blind-folded man in a goofy hat." 

"Joxer," Xena whispered.  Gabrielle nodded.  She then noticed her friend's new garb.

"You look great."

"Don't try to flatter me."

"What?  You look great considering you just had a baby."

"Thanks.  Um, anyway," Xena said quickly, "which way did they head?"

"In the direction we're going," Gabrielle replied.  "Come on."  Xena was surprised as the little bard took

off in one direction with a pride and might in her stride.  Xena had to watch the woman for a moment before following after her.  She had never known anyone as special as Gabrielle.  Gabrielle had a light about her, and it seemed to shine on everyone and everything she came into contact with.  Xena wondered if maybe Gabrielle was enchanted and she was under her spell.  The woman was a miracle worker, obviously, because she had helped Xena decide to change for the sake of baby Solan.

"So," Xena started after a few minutes of silence.  She shifted the baby from one side to the other.  "Tell

me about yourself."  Xena figured that since she had never been one for girl talk, she could give it a go with the young woman who was so determined to help her change her ways.

"Why do you want to know about me?" Gabrielle asked.

"I don't know.  I just . . . I just do."

"Well, I'm from Poteadia.  I have a mother, father, and a younger sister named Lila.  I was betrothed to a farm boy that I didn't really care for, like I said before.  That's about it.  I mean, I didn't really have much of a life.  I studied all of the time before I left home."

"Your family must be worried about you."

"They know I have a good head on my shoulders.  They'll get over it.  What about you?"

"What about me?"

"Tell me about you."

"You don't want to hear about me."

"Of course I do.  That's what friends are supposed to do.  They're supposed to talk and bond."

"We're friends?" Xena asked, surprised by actually hearing the word Ôfriend' in her conversation.  Maybe it would be good to have a friend again.

"Well, I don't know.  I thought so.  Maybe this is just a one-sided thing.  Maybe I'm making a fool out of myself . . ."

"Gabrielle?"

"What?"

"I was just teasing you.  Lighten up."  It felt good for Xena to actually tease someone in a good way.  She hadn't done that in a considerable amount of years.  She was sure Gabrielle knew that when she saw the look in her sparkling eyes.

"Teasing me?  So you do have a sense of humor!"

"Funny," Xena said, rolling her eyes.  "I've never really had any girl friends before.  I mean, there was this

girl named Flora, but I was really mean to her.  Um, Lao Ma was a friend until I tried to kill her son.  I've always been more of a girl that hangs out with the guys.  That's part of the reason I became the way I am . . ."

"Well, tell me about your childhood."  Xena closed her eyes for a moment, not wanting to tell of a life that was long over.  She swallowed her fears and decided to talk about it anyway.  She was forming a trust toward the curious bard.

"My father died when I was really little.  His name was Atrius.  The only thing I remember about him was

when he would pull me up on his horse and ride around with me.  My mother's name was Cyrene.  She was always busy with my older brother Toris and my little brother Lyceus.  My older brother ran off when Cortese attacked.  My younger brother died.  It was my fault and my mother banned me from ever coming home to Amphipolis."

"By the Gods, that's terrible.  So that's why you left home so young?"

"Yeah.  I convinced the boys to fight Cortese's army so they wouldn't overtake our village.  I wanted to fight too.  Lyceus and I used to play fight and I was actually pretty good.  Well, Lyceus died and my mother just threw me out.  The whole town banished me."

"That must have been really difficult."

"Well, when I had nowhere to go, Ares took me under his wing and I became . . . I because the warrior

princess."

"So this is all because of Ares?"

"I don't think so.  I think it's a little because of Cortese.  That man was a tyrant.  Part of it was Ares.  He shaped me into a warrior.  Then there was Caesar.  He changed me from being a looting pirate to a blood-thirsty bitch."

"What ever happened to him?  Cortese, I mean."

"I'm sure he's out there somewhere.  I don't care one way or the other about him.  If I ever do come face to face with him again, I will kill him."  Gabrielle could see the tension in Xena's body as she talked about the man that nearly destroyed her hometown.  She knew she needed to change the subject quickly.

"So what were you like as a child?"

"Me?  I was a normal child.  I was the only girl though, so I was a bit of a tomboy.  My brothers would

wrestle with me and I would always win.  I was stronger than both of them, but they still liked to pretend that they were the best, you know?  I could climb trees, swim, run, trap animals, and do just about anything faster and better than them.  They still loved me.  They were a bit jealous at times, especially Toris, but Lyceus and I got along the best."  Gabrielle smiled when she saw a smile creeping over Xena's face.  "But those days are gone now.  I had to grow up sometime, right?" 

"Yeah.  Um, Xena, I heard you last night."

"What?"

"I heard you talking to Solan.  I woke up when he did the first time.  You know, you were telling him how when you saw him, you knew you weren't all bad."

"You weren't supposed to hear that."

"I'm glad I did," Gabrielle replied.  "Xena, whether you like it or not, I want to be your friend."

"I still don't understand why."

"Well, I think it's mostly because I think I can learn a lot from you.  I think you can learn a lot from me too.  So, why can't we just learn from each other as we go along?  It might be fun."

"It might be a disaster too."  Xena was starting to feel better about being open with Gabrielle.  Somehow, she knew this woman would never betray her trust.

"That's possible," Gabrielle said with a laugh.  "But there's only one way to find out.  Right . . . friend?"

"I suppose," Xena replied.  "Friend."  The two women continued on their quest to find Joxer, neither knowing where the road they were traveling was going to lead them.  But they knew that it had to lead to some place good, as long as they traveled it together.  They were going to be each other's rock.  Xena had so much to teach and learn from Gabrielle, and Gabrielle had so much to teach and learn from Xena.  It was going to be something built on reciprocity.  It had to be better than nothing at all.  Gabrielle had finally befriended the warrior, and the warrior finally had a friend.